The Monkey And The Plywood Violin

I'm coming out of the midwinter blear much earlier this year, whether it's from exercise or systematic use of my light or just because nothing is actively on fire. This leaves me in the bizarre situation of being able to look February, the very worst month of the year, right in the face.

And right now it's not so bad. This makes me...suspicious.

The weather is grey but not so awful that I can't walk to the gym, I've finally found a workout rhythm that's not actually fun but doesn't make me feel quite as sick, Project Eat All the Pantry Food is going pretty well and I haven't been found comatose in a pile of chips and jelly beans, and I have a handful of illustration commissions going on. I'm definitely still having days of crushing despair, but a lot of my days are downright pleasant. Something must be going on.

Till whatever it is breaks, however, I'm going to sit in here with my mug of coffee and stare out at the snow. Today: 1/2 day of brainless writing, followed by drawing up the linework for an Odin portrait and finishing out the detailing on a Tree of Life. If I'm feeling tremendously energetic, I'll go to ballroom dancing at the LGBT center where samadi volunteers.

So there's two reasons I might not be updating in the winter. One is that I'm doing so badly I can't remember words and the other is that I'm doing surprisingly well and have my hands full with that. This year it is the other one, she says for the edification of future Grace.

In fact, the past few days have involved a workday well over quota (to make up for several under quota and the need to get on airplanes, but nevertheless,) a full kitchen clean, building a shelf in the kitchen out of miscellaneous scrap, putting my sofa up on legs, cleaning up some of the apartment flotsam and doing my laundry when I didn't strictly have to. Dunno what's going on, but I'll take it.

Things not done: fiction writing, as much extra quota as I really should be doing, fridge cleaning, backlogged personal and gift art. So it's not like I'm completely responsible.

In other news, I will be getting on an airplane (aargh) to go to San Antonio (aargh) over Thanksgiving (argleargh) to go see Seth (yay!) who supposedly has all the sunlight and warmth these days (additional yay, but not apparently at any time except during winter (argh)). This happens Tuesday and I am trying to juggle all the appropriate kittens to make sure that I get on my bus on time (I fear public trans for a number of silly reasons) and don't get attacked by the TSA (hello mandatory patdown).

I'm also drinking a -lot- of coffee this year. Hopefully the springtime wean won't suck too badly.

Today, cleaning horrible rat cage, finishing the dishes, cutting out a sewing project the TSA won't confiscate, filling my mp3 player and making sure that I have both a phone and a charged battery. Also lots of cooking and freezing to prevent new life from growing in my fridge while I'm gone.

I think I might finally like my apartment.

Because it's glorious out, but I don't really want to trundle out to the park, which I have to share with -people-. Am compensating by opening all the windows instead.

Should be cleaning, would rather be sewing. Embroidered a Vietnamese dragon on my green corduroy skirt yesterday, hiding the scissors accident it suffered some time ago. Will post pictures if I can find my camera cable.

Whee, spring!

So, I've been sick and sleep-depped for as long as my tiny memory stretches back. In matters that are of course totally unrelated, I've been consuming what is for me quite a lot of caffeine. Last night, Mere and I had a "we are so sick; we are taking the night off, eating bad food and watching Bab 5" night. I slept somewhere close to 12 hours, melatonin-aided.

Then, I got up to nice sunshine, had a long slow morning and ate two slices of pizza. I also, as a matter of course, finished off the diet Mountain Dew that was sitting on my desk. Adequate sleep+food+light+caffeine mean that I am suddenly WIRED.

I'ma go clean the closet now. (I will not: start a new corset, reorganize all my fabric, disassemble the pantry, learn to make ice cream, start an ambitious piece of art or write a novel.) Wheeeeeeeeee!

I've suspected it for years, but this time I'm actually lucid enough to be sure; I'm a different person in the winter. As I find myself ever more neophobic, more irritable, more easily upset by the Internet (I didn't need two separate posts about how fat people aren't working hard enough and feminists are just crazy), and generally tired, I can't help but want to crawl in a hole.

Winter me is easily agitated, anxious, doesn't like trying new things and isn't into leaving home very often. She tends to eat easy, familiar foods, since I can't guarantee that I'll be able to cook the groceries I buy, or if I cook them, that I'll clean up after. Winter me reads more books, makes less artwork, and sews a whole lot. She also gets distracted halfway through a lot of projects and is terrible about house maintenance. She cries a lot. She sleeps even more. I can't say I'm really looking forward to being that person again, but short of developing the kind of income that lets me move to the southern hemisphere for six months, that's how it's gotta be.

That said, things aren't not too bad this year. Objective reports say I'm in way better shape thus far, and I'm not the winter person entirely yet. It's just as grey and horrible out as yesterday, and I'm just as sick, but work was far easier. I've managed to do my laundry, clean up the kitchen a bit, and am even looking at writing a bit of fiction. If only I don't get laid out by a fever again tonight. There's such a thing as too much Glitch.

Have made some distressing observations about my main writing gig that suggest I oughta start shopping around for other things, and draw more, stupid. No immediate explosions, but a lot of Stupid Management Decisions that seem designed to make people disgruntled enough to leave.

After a long, confused weekend, I found moments_away's kameez sleeve, so that's one project that can go out the door shortly. I keep saying I need to take pictures of all my sewing, but of course I never do. Got a bunch of Elizabeth Bear books out of the library and will read them any minute now, I swear. Probably in a huge, absurd binge, the way I seem to read things now. I remember reading just a chapter or two at night before bed, but dimly, as in a dream. ^_^

Anyhow, Winter Hobbit out. There's ice cream to eat and fiction submissions to finish.

It seems my hindbrain has decided it's autumn. I suspect this is because the available light has reached a level about equivalent to late March. I am in much better spirits than during that time of year, but it is having some side effects.

1. I want to sleep a lot. Naps have gone back to being an hour plus. This would be fine, except that I am also having nightmares during, and I need to start getting up earlier and earlier as the sunset comes earlier. I am not looking forward to the doom that is Daylight Saving Time.

2. Moods are a bit random. I've been low in the mornings and highly distractable, but not completely depressed. For instance, today I have reorganized my closet, done some quickie repairs on my bed (won't last, sadly - come spring I need to either build or buy a new one), rotated my mattress (which weighs more than some people) and put a coat of shellac on the worn spot in the floor. I'll need to continue doing stuff for most of tonight, because we're currently in the exciting torn-apart stage of the apartment.

3. While I think it's fall, the weather does not. This has resulting my being convinced I need socks and boots when it's 85 degrees.

In good news, shucking more stuff - eventually I may have few enough belongings to finally fit in this shoebox. Less good news - my kitchen still sucks. ^_^;

Tonight:
Clean under bed
Finally put last of window screens in
Clear the floor enough to move round in
Take AC, box fan, baby food jars to curb for scavengers?
Read sample text for next commission once too tired to clean.

Tomorrow:
Help moments_away get new glasses, since hers broke in half
Acquire groceries
Drive to Rockford to pick up samadi and jmpierce, meet whymc for dinner after Adin & Christina's wedding weekend
Attempt to prevent fiery death in Labor Day traffic

Being self-employed and working at home means that most major holidays have become times when no one's online and you can't park outside your own building.

Though, living in the midwest, we can safely expect several pockets of winter and another blizzard or two. But it was 60 out today, everything was melted, and the birds have started shouting "my tree, my tree" everywhere. This pleases me!

To inaugurate spring, I have apparently decided to put together my taxes. This might also be because I have to see the accountant tomorrow. I am poorly organized and flaky, so she will look disappointed at me before doing wonderful things to keep the number from hurting me.

In addition. ( For Lex, a Corinthian )

I am going to go ahead and say that as of this week, the winter blues have reached Very Bad. This is a tracking post for me for next year, and I suppose info for anyone who'd like to know the details of my crazy.

Addendum:
It sounds like I'm being really melodramatic in this post. I have considered private-locking it to avoid looking like a drama queen. But I never remember to check my private posts, and there was some interest in how my particular disorder works, so I'm leaving it up. I am lucid enough to write this - that means I'm actually doing quite well - all scary words aside.

( Symptomology here )

But I am only somewhat good.

( State of the Grace )

Only throwing some things away. I'm having a Night, but so far I'm still managing to surf on top the crazy. No telling when the next wave will break, though. Put a lot of older art into the boxes that hold up the rat cage, instead of ditching it. Ditched some things. Haven't started scrubbing floors yet, but it may come.

I suppose this is better than back when I used to just break down.

In semi-related news - I have a lightbox this fall. It's tons smaller than my old one, mostly blue, and runs on LEDs. Despite the current madness, it's still a lovely thing. My energy levels are much higher since I started using it. I could wish the happiness quotient were following, but so it goes, I suppose. At least I've been able to clean and write a little and draw a few more things, instead of only sitting here like a lump (I've done some of that, too).

I would put some sketches up here, but they all fill me with rage at the moment.

Too lazy to photo, but my bento for tomorrow is homemade tortillas with beans and cheese and very strong homemade salsa. Dessert is stewed pears with ginger and rum. I am looking forward to it.

How's y'all?