Chip, chip, chip...
Dec. 5th, 2010 11:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gracedpalmerI am going to go ahead and say that as of this week, the winter blues have reached Very Bad. This is a tracking post for me for next year, and I suppose info for anyone who'd like to know the details of my crazy.
Addendum:
It sounds like I'm being really melodramatic in this post. I have considered private-locking it to avoid looking like a drama queen. But I never remember to check my private posts, and there was some interest in how my particular disorder works, so I'm leaving it up. I am lucid enough to write this - that means I'm actually doing quite well - all scary words aside.
- Have been using light >1 hour per day. Up to about 2 the past couple of days. I retain a fair amount of drive. I can still feed myself without resorting to instant food, have made my bed most days, and did laundry today.
- It is very easy to despair in this condition. I am working on a piece of art that I don't currently hate, but which is at the edge of my ability. This means that it is something of an emotional trial. About every 15 minutes, I put my stylus down and headdesk for a while to dig up the fortitude.
- If I don't keep myself very busy, things become Bad. Ideally: television and a sewing or painting project or active live conversation with a person plus projects or IM conversation plus music plus projects. The gullies between projects have been very dark indeed.
- Despite having more momentum than I could, I am lower than I might be. I have been cooking things that don't really require dishwashing, because I know I won't do it. Room flotsam level is high. If I were more responsible, I would clean the rat cages, but I think they will have to go a few more days. Going out is exhausting. Going out where there are people I don't know extremely well is exhausting, terrifying and agonizing. I'm really glad I am full up on groceries! ^_^
- It is sunny, bright and blue outside. In a little bit, I should really bundle up and go clean my car. Both so that I will not be ticketed and so that I can get some real sun on my eyes and not just fake-box. Real sun is always more helpful than fake sun.
- Comfort can actually be more painful than the lack. On my own, I hurt a lot, but go a bit dead and become pent up. Comfort encourages release, especially weeping. This is something I need to watch. Corollary: taking warm laundry out of the dryer can remind me enough of a hug that I have to go half-lie on the bed and be teary for a while. Additional corollary: depression makes me a clingy bastard, and I need to keep an eye on that.
- There is nothing actively wrong. I am relatively content with my job, most of my relationship issues, my projects. My discomfort with my art is not overwhelming. This pain is entirely chemically induced. Fortunately, I'm not currently dealing with the kind that tries to convince me otherwise.
- Depression is currently manifesting as pain, rather than sluggishness or flattened mood. In bad points, it may make me pant like I have a bad cramp. This is the kind of point where physical pain is really appealing, but we have been studiously keeping our nails out of the flesh. Some self-destructive ideations and whispers, but currently neither obsessive nor severe.
- This pendant made me laugh my ass off.
And now, to the ShovelDome!
Addendum:
It sounds like I'm being really melodramatic in this post. I have considered private-locking it to avoid looking like a drama queen. But I never remember to check my private posts, and there was some interest in how my particular disorder works, so I'm leaving it up. I am lucid enough to write this - that means I'm actually doing quite well - all scary words aside.
- Have been using light >1 hour per day. Up to about 2 the past couple of days. I retain a fair amount of drive. I can still feed myself without resorting to instant food, have made my bed most days, and did laundry today.
- It is very easy to despair in this condition. I am working on a piece of art that I don't currently hate, but which is at the edge of my ability. This means that it is something of an emotional trial. About every 15 minutes, I put my stylus down and headdesk for a while to dig up the fortitude.
- If I don't keep myself very busy, things become Bad. Ideally: television and a sewing or painting project or active live conversation with a person plus projects or IM conversation plus music plus projects. The gullies between projects have been very dark indeed.
- Despite having more momentum than I could, I am lower than I might be. I have been cooking things that don't really require dishwashing, because I know I won't do it. Room flotsam level is high. If I were more responsible, I would clean the rat cages, but I think they will have to go a few more days. Going out is exhausting. Going out where there are people I don't know extremely well is exhausting, terrifying and agonizing. I'm really glad I am full up on groceries! ^_^
- It is sunny, bright and blue outside. In a little bit, I should really bundle up and go clean my car. Both so that I will not be ticketed and so that I can get some real sun on my eyes and not just fake-box. Real sun is always more helpful than fake sun.
- Comfort can actually be more painful than the lack. On my own, I hurt a lot, but go a bit dead and become pent up. Comfort encourages release, especially weeping. This is something I need to watch. Corollary: taking warm laundry out of the dryer can remind me enough of a hug that I have to go half-lie on the bed and be teary for a while. Additional corollary: depression makes me a clingy bastard, and I need to keep an eye on that.
- There is nothing actively wrong. I am relatively content with my job, most of my relationship issues, my projects. My discomfort with my art is not overwhelming. This pain is entirely chemically induced. Fortunately, I'm not currently dealing with the kind that tries to convince me otherwise.
- Depression is currently manifesting as pain, rather than sluggishness or flattened mood. In bad points, it may make me pant like I have a bad cramp. This is the kind of point where physical pain is really appealing, but we have been studiously keeping our nails out of the flesh. Some self-destructive ideations and whispers, but currently neither obsessive nor severe.
- This pendant made me laugh my ass off.
And now, to the ShovelDome!