In-depth depression journal
May. 10th, 2010 03:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gracedpalmerI'm going to have to do this in a little more detail for a bit, because my spring has been absolutely nuts. To do it properly, I'd need to journal every day, but the moment I promise that, I won't do it. So,
Usually, I get better in the spring, but I'm suffering distinct moodiness and downright depression, and it's been going on for at least the past month. There's been some physical stuff, too, and my memory, as always, is crap. So, a bit more intensive charting for you, and thanks for your patience.
Last night/yesterday:
Memories already fading of yesterday, but I know that I did have significant depression, trouble getting out of bed, very low momentum aftersamadi left, and serious art angst. Looked at a bunch of beautiful stuff, felt like hell about my own ability, tried to buck it up and get painting. I remain extremely frustrated about my ability to work line-free. I can laboriously fake it with built up cross hatching, but that takes so long, and is still stiff. I cannot comprehend what it is that allows others to put together shapes out of light and shadow in such short periods. When I try, all I get is mush. Poked at the art anyway, made little progress. Watched a lot of TV to keep the crazy brain busy while I did so. I still have a head for sewing, as I often do when the creativity is poor, but no current projects.
Physical-wise, I had a mild lake headache and stuffy-headedness most of the afternoon and evening, and it eventually got bad enough that I couldn't sleep and had to take some pills. Sleeping better without ear plugs, because despite the distraction of noise, there was not the pressure problem. Bra gave me a backache partway through the day, and I waited too long to take it off, so that affected mood and such as well. It cannot be held responsible for the weepy feeling, though.
Today:
Slow to get out of bed, sleeping a lot. Crashed around 11 last night, though the sleeplessness may have kept me up as late as 12 - not sure. Motivation troubles initially, got through the routine on autopilot, but regular work proceeded on schedule. Trouble thinking - I can easily write from topics where the information is already collected in the right format (lists of symptoms for ailments, howtos with a straight set of instructions) but am having a lot of trouble extrapolating from related resources to come up with something in a different format (going from several sources on different specific sprains to a general article on sprains, for instance).
Ate bento around 12, had persistent hungry after. Had an egg sandwich. Hungry went away for a short period of time, but returned and brought lightheadedness, paranoia/anxiety/guilt, and a vague tear-prickly feeling around the eyes. It's like having PMS that's unrelated to my hormonal cycle (note: unexpected 4 pound weight gain in the past couple of days, hormones may be haywire). Back hurts, probably my bra's fault again, took it off and we'll see how that goes. Having cocoa to see if warm/fat/sugar improves the situation. Mmm, medicinal cocoa. No longer feeling hungry, dizziness mostly alleviated, crazy desire to cry persistent.
Accomplishments: Hit quota but did not exceed, have done all clothing laundry and am into washing the bedding, probably going to total 6 loads today. Extra adult points for me. Also have taken an assortment of flotsam out to the trash/sidewalk and ditched some recycling. Hope to get into moving bookcases/couch today, but not sure it'll happen.
I intend to art tonight, no matter how sad it makes me.
And, hopefully that will be useful to future Grace. I am noticably better than I was this time last week, as video games have suddenly become profoundly boring once more. That's probably a good thing - overgaming is a bad sign most of the time. (Related note: finished Torchlight with poorly speced Alchemist. Trying again with the not-an-amazon (don't remember what she's called) to see if I can min-max properly this time (I am terrible at this and tend to balance stats unless I remember not to). Current quest: find some damned pants. )
Usually, I get better in the spring, but I'm suffering distinct moodiness and downright depression, and it's been going on for at least the past month. There's been some physical stuff, too, and my memory, as always, is crap. So, a bit more intensive charting for you, and thanks for your patience.
Last night/yesterday:
Memories already fading of yesterday, but I know that I did have significant depression, trouble getting out of bed, very low momentum after
samadi left, and serious art angst. Looked at a bunch of beautiful stuff, felt like hell about my own ability, tried to buck it up and get painting. I remain extremely frustrated about my ability to work line-free. I can laboriously fake it with built up cross hatching, but that takes so long, and is still stiff. I cannot comprehend what it is that allows others to put together shapes out of light and shadow in such short periods. When I try, all I get is mush. Poked at the art anyway, made little progress. Watched a lot of TV to keep the crazy brain busy while I did so. I still have a head for sewing, as I often do when the creativity is poor, but no current projects.Physical-wise, I had a mild lake headache and stuffy-headedness most of the afternoon and evening, and it eventually got bad enough that I couldn't sleep and had to take some pills. Sleeping better without ear plugs, because despite the distraction of noise, there was not the pressure problem. Bra gave me a backache partway through the day, and I waited too long to take it off, so that affected mood and such as well. It cannot be held responsible for the weepy feeling, though.
Today:
Slow to get out of bed, sleeping a lot. Crashed around 11 last night, though the sleeplessness may have kept me up as late as 12 - not sure. Motivation troubles initially, got through the routine on autopilot, but regular work proceeded on schedule. Trouble thinking - I can easily write from topics where the information is already collected in the right format (lists of symptoms for ailments, howtos with a straight set of instructions) but am having a lot of trouble extrapolating from related resources to come up with something in a different format (going from several sources on different specific sprains to a general article on sprains, for instance).
Ate bento around 12, had persistent hungry after. Had an egg sandwich. Hungry went away for a short period of time, but returned and brought lightheadedness, paranoia/anxiety/guilt, and a vague tear-prickly feeling around the eyes. It's like having PMS that's unrelated to my hormonal cycle (note: unexpected 4 pound weight gain in the past couple of days, hormones may be haywire). Back hurts, probably my bra's fault again, took it off and we'll see how that goes. Having cocoa to see if warm/fat/sugar improves the situation. Mmm, medicinal cocoa. No longer feeling hungry, dizziness mostly alleviated, crazy desire to cry persistent.
Accomplishments: Hit quota but did not exceed, have done all clothing laundry and am into washing the bedding, probably going to total 6 loads today. Extra adult points for me. Also have taken an assortment of flotsam out to the trash/sidewalk and ditched some recycling. Hope to get into moving bookcases/couch today, but not sure it'll happen.
I intend to art tonight, no matter how sad it makes me.
And, hopefully that will be useful to future Grace. I am noticably better than I was this time last week, as video games have suddenly become profoundly boring once more. That's probably a good thing - overgaming is a bad sign most of the time. (Related note: finished Torchlight with poorly speced Alchemist. Trying again with the not-an-amazon (don't remember what she's called) to see if I can min-max properly this time (I am terrible at this and tend to balance stats unless I remember not to). Current quest: find some damned pants. )