The Monkey And The Plywood Violin

1. Surgeon is definitely overcautious. I can eat around 2 to 3 grams of fat per meal without any issues whatsoever. This still keeps me from actually eating almost any prepared food, but makes things suck a little less.

2. Kava kava is a fail for me. Does not reduce anxiety, has bonus of making me woozy and sick.

3. The weather is fantastic and I want to frolic in it forever. I might, however, need to place a new Sock Dreams order.

4. Serious self worth problems of late. Attempting to fix them via ripping apart my closet and throwing a lot of stuff away. Am avoiding thinking about the enormous amount of work I have queued for next week.

5. Have eaten more cocoa krispies than appropriate. Send milk.

While I have spent much of the evening poking the Internet, that doesn't mean I succeeded in that low key night I was going to take. I ended up painting some of the more egregious bits in my kitchen that I know are my fault, doing all the dishes, and scrubbing the freezer instead. At least my current madness is a productive madness, I guess.

It seems my hindbrain has decided it's autumn. I suspect this is because the available light has reached a level about equivalent to late March. I am in much better spirits than during that time of year, but it is having some side effects.

1. I want to sleep a lot. Naps have gone back to being an hour plus. This would be fine, except that I am also having nightmares during, and I need to start getting up earlier and earlier as the sunset comes earlier. I am not looking forward to the doom that is Daylight Saving Time.

2. Moods are a bit random. I've been low in the mornings and highly distractable, but not completely depressed. For instance, today I have reorganized my closet, done some quickie repairs on my bed (won't last, sadly - come spring I need to either build or buy a new one), rotated my mattress (which weighs more than some people) and put a coat of shellac on the worn spot in the floor. I'll need to continue doing stuff for most of tonight, because we're currently in the exciting torn-apart stage of the apartment.

3. While I think it's fall, the weather does not. This has resulting my being convinced I need socks and boots when it's 85 degrees.

In good news, shucking more stuff - eventually I may have few enough belongings to finally fit in this shoebox. Less good news - my kitchen still sucks. ^_^;

Tonight:
Clean under bed
Finally put last of window screens in
Clear the floor enough to move round in
Take AC, box fan, baby food jars to curb for scavengers?
Read sample text for next commission once too tired to clean.

Tomorrow:
Help moments_away get new glasses, since hers broke in half
Acquire groceries
Drive to Rockford to pick up samadi and jmpierce, meet whymc for dinner after Adin & Christina's wedding weekend
Attempt to prevent fiery death in Labor Day traffic

Being self-employed and working at home means that most major holidays have become times when no one's online and you can't park outside your own building.

Had an upswing again tonight, riding on top of a deep despair that I managed to avoid. Instead of throwing in the hat, like the monkeys would want, we threw away a bunch more stuff, tidied the closet and cleaned the printer stand. It will be interested if these moods turn out to be a thing. I mean, I wouldn't call them sane or stable, but they can be a lot of fun, and I certainly get more things.

Drew a nasty fairy, did some anatomy study, made stock. Apartment still not clean by any standards, but -parts- of it are. Let's see how long this lasts.

Now I'm coming down, but don't quite want sleep.

I just suddenly realized that I'm having a really good day. I got my writing quota out of the way nice and early, I've discovered I can make stock in my rice cooker (no more very hot kitchen at midday), I've changed the rat cages and put away my laundry. I am accomplished, and even better, I am accomplished without feeling like I've got weights attached. Since I tend to forget to talk about happy days in this journal, and mostly only post when I'm dismayed, I probably ought to mark the occasion.

It's sunny, there are birds, and the sun is shining through my new curtains in a really delightful way. The apartment's still a mess, but I feel like I might be able to make a dent in it, instead of feeling oppressed and hemmed in.

Now I'm gonna go draw stuff!

In the past hour or so, I have been extremely restless, depressed, and seriously anxious by turns. Fortunately, I have been able to keep moving, so i was able to organize all the freefloating CDs/DVDs in the immediate area, get some of my huge pile of ancient (1994-2006) artwork filed, clear off a bookshelf, move the candelabra and the jar of bones down to it, and rework my fiction collection so there's more space. Also took out a bunch of recycling and the trash. Twice.

I could still stand to not feel like a giant monster is going to jump out and eat me. This spring I have not had the usual mood evening, and there have been many incidences of crazy. The overall mood is higher than it was in wintertime, but man. Dear brain - we shall have no more of this!

Back to organization, I guess. If I'm going to feel like I'm being pursued by giant therapods, I might as well be moving.

Well, it looks like fall's hit, for better or for worse - even if it gets to be 80 again shortly, my eyes have started telling me that the light is fading too quick and starting too late. I'm waking up at ten instead of nine because the lighting in my apartment has changed, and it's full dark by a little after 7:30.

For the past two days, I've woken up in minor despair, with the desire to keep on sleeping, and it's been difficult to get myself going. I've been down and somewhat angry since the last week of July, which is completely situational. This is new and different.

This is annoying. It's only September. That's supposed to be summer's last gasp, and here I am having to winterize myself.

Winterizing is this year's new concept. Rather than simply dreading the dark coldness, I shall attempt to create conditions and expectations that will result in the least misery. This weekend, I'll be buying ultra bright, white CFLs for my ceiling lights, and possibly a lamp timer that'll turn on the light at 9 am to get me out of bed without making me hyperventilate (which alarms now do).

Going to lower expectations on what to get done and how much advancement I'm going to be able to manage for various skills. The goal is to maintain something similar to my current quality of life this winter. It probably won't quite stay up that well, but there shall be Rules.

To steal a term from Elizabeth Bear, I shall be going on the Discipline. She uses it to refer to eating such that her body wants to make muscle and not fat. I'm using it more as a set of rules that will make sure I am a functional, reasonable human being.

( Winterizing and the Discipline detailed here for my own reference, but probably not of interest to most )

In other news, I made toffee last night. It is really, really good, and now I don't want to buy Werthers anymore. I must, however, do something about the fact that it cools with many tiny bubbles in it. If you are avoiding chewing the toffee for the sake of your teeth, they're murder on the tongue.

With this written, I'm going to head off and get my first article started, in order to have at least one done before noon. Then breakfast and cleaning.

Stupid winter.

I'm thinking about making a haori sort of thing. Some kind of big, lined, rectangular-construction robe that'll fit on top of everything, no matter what I'm wearing. Today I dyed some greyish purple flannel more of a light plum/dark mauve, and I was intending to use my remaining Dylon to turn some of my mushroom colored linen sage for the shell.
However, while looking for the linen, I found a bunch of black twill I hadn't remembered I had, as well as a maroon flat sheet. Hmm. Goth haori? On the way, I also dug up a miscellaneous bin, in which I'd packed my spare air mattress pump (wish I'd remembered that before buying a new one), a bunch of leather, some videos, pigeon wings, and winter clothing.

Apparently it takes me all of three months to completely forget I own winter clothing. It's like my birthday. My apartment is giving me presents! The Cruxshadows agree with me.

Now I must make chubby woman in haori sketches to figure out what will be used for what purpose. The black and red could also easily go into some more skirts, since my black ones are getting quite ragged and I could use a nice one. Or I could make a purple and green something else.