On the causes of insanity
Nov. 25th, 2011 02:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gracedpalmerI often intend to talk about my crazy and how it works here, in the spirit of other people's illuminating posts on the subject. I frequently don't, because it feels tremendously self-indulgent, or because the aforementioned crazy gets in the way. However, this afternoon's bout is nicely illustrative of one of the most important skills I've learned for staying semi-functional: determining whether my current spate of emotional problems is caused by a real event, or merely latching on to it on the way by.
******
Me: Well, it's Friday, so that means Other Gig, plus fiction and illustration. No First Gig, especially since First Gig seems to be on fire.
Also Me: Inertia. Distress, unformed anxiety, randomized guilt.
Me: Oh? Well, let's have a slow morning. Why don't I have a look at this winter present list for a while and play some Glitch. And I'll pull up Other Gig and keep it in a window to remind me that I need to work on it.
Also Me: We can't buy presents, you fool! First Gig is exploding!
Me: Well, yes, but we have Other Gig. Also, Old Job, test grading, at-home tech support like jmpierce does, variations of First Gig from lookalike companies and Captel if stuff gets really bad. Plus, we've been meaning to get the portfolio in better shape and start looking for magazine jobs. You know, like a Real Freelancer.
Also Me: We can't be a real freelancer. Are you an idiot? We fail at everything. Fear! Fearstressanxietyborderlinetears!
Me: Oh. Hmm. Well, let's see about getting the laundry in, taking some advil, and doing that food thing we've been putting off. That should take care of anxiety from lack of accomplishment, anxiety as a fever side effect and hypoglycemia.
Also Me: Oh, peanut sauce.
Me: Okay, food helps. So, now let's figure out how much we have to do at Other Gig to match what we've been making at First Gig. Bah, we've done way more work than this before. Wallet will be fine.
Also Me: Fear! Stressfailurefeartears!
Me: So, what exactly is the issue here? We could be working right now to alleviate that whole lack of money/failure problem, except you're too busy being upset. Have we got any racing thoughts about what's going to go wrong?
Also Me: Generalized unhappiness.
Me: Okay, how about specific fear?
Also Me: Despair!
Me: Ahhh. Well, why don't I just turn on the light box and see what I can get done today, then. You're clearly no help.
(format stolen from hermitgeecko)
******
The stress over job stuff is definitely real. They say that changing jobs is apparently stressful on par with moving, divorce and a death in the family. But given the fact that I'm just generally upset, no matter what I do, I'm gonna call this one chemically induced by winter, hormones, illness or some combination of the three, and attempt to limp on. The phase will pass, and it will suck quite a lot while it's here, but there's not a lot that will shift it for now.
It has taken me years and years of prodding the bit that hurts to see what happens in order to learn to do this. Frankly, it's not always accurate. Most often, I think a mood is situational when it is chemical. Occasionally, like much of last year, I will mistake a lingering malaise for a chemical one when I am in a low-level bad situation.
Nevertheless, I think that if I hadn't learned to do this, I would either be dead or living with my grandparents. Because mistaking your chemical issue for real ones makes it way more likely that you'll go with the flow and get more upset. That physically encourages your brain to favor certain awful mood paths over good ones, so you're actually more likely to get depressed. Plus, you don't get a whole lot done, and people think of you as a hysterical flake.
I still don't get anywhere near as much done as I would if my brain worked properly. Working or playing through this kind of funk/twitchiness is a bit like getting through your day if you have the kind of pain caused by random nerve firing. (Caveat: that issue has occurred to me only a few times, and always briefly, as the consequence of a short term injury. I do not know what it is like to live with neurological problems on a daily basis. I am guessing.) You go ahead and keep moving because what the hell else are you going to do?, but the process is slow, unpleasant and much more tiring than it would be on a sane day. Also, some days are just really bad, and result in an afternoon spent keening and rocking. The best you can do is keep those rare.
Anyhow, the writeosphere awaits. Somebody needs to know how to repair their rotisserie, and I get to tell them. Whee!
(PS: Avoid ordering important things, like computers, around a holiday that's likely to interrupt shipping. Because, argh!)
******
Me: Well, it's Friday, so that means Other Gig, plus fiction and illustration. No First Gig, especially since First Gig seems to be on fire.
Also Me: Inertia. Distress, unformed anxiety, randomized guilt.
Me: Oh? Well, let's have a slow morning. Why don't I have a look at this winter present list for a while and play some Glitch. And I'll pull up Other Gig and keep it in a window to remind me that I need to work on it.
Also Me: We can't buy presents, you fool! First Gig is exploding!
Me: Well, yes, but we have Other Gig. Also, Old Job, test grading, at-home tech support like jmpierce does, variations of First Gig from lookalike companies and Captel if stuff gets really bad. Plus, we've been meaning to get the portfolio in better shape and start looking for magazine jobs. You know, like a Real Freelancer.
Also Me: We can't be a real freelancer. Are you an idiot? We fail at everything. Fear! Fearstressanxietyborderlinetears!
Me: Oh. Hmm. Well, let's see about getting the laundry in, taking some advil, and doing that food thing we've been putting off. That should take care of anxiety from lack of accomplishment, anxiety as a fever side effect and hypoglycemia.
Also Me: Oh, peanut sauce.
Me: Okay, food helps. So, now let's figure out how much we have to do at Other Gig to match what we've been making at First Gig. Bah, we've done way more work than this before. Wallet will be fine.
Also Me: Fear! Stressfailurefeartears!
Me: So, what exactly is the issue here? We could be working right now to alleviate that whole lack of money/failure problem, except you're too busy being upset. Have we got any racing thoughts about what's going to go wrong?
Also Me: Generalized unhappiness.
Me: Okay, how about specific fear?
Also Me: Despair!
Me: Ahhh. Well, why don't I just turn on the light box and see what I can get done today, then. You're clearly no help.
(format stolen from hermitgeecko)
******
The stress over job stuff is definitely real. They say that changing jobs is apparently stressful on par with moving, divorce and a death in the family. But given the fact that I'm just generally upset, no matter what I do, I'm gonna call this one chemically induced by winter, hormones, illness or some combination of the three, and attempt to limp on. The phase will pass, and it will suck quite a lot while it's here, but there's not a lot that will shift it for now.
It has taken me years and years of prodding the bit that hurts to see what happens in order to learn to do this. Frankly, it's not always accurate. Most often, I think a mood is situational when it is chemical. Occasionally, like much of last year, I will mistake a lingering malaise for a chemical one when I am in a low-level bad situation.
Nevertheless, I think that if I hadn't learned to do this, I would either be dead or living with my grandparents. Because mistaking your chemical issue for real ones makes it way more likely that you'll go with the flow and get more upset. That physically encourages your brain to favor certain awful mood paths over good ones, so you're actually more likely to get depressed. Plus, you don't get a whole lot done, and people think of you as a hysterical flake.
I still don't get anywhere near as much done as I would if my brain worked properly. Working or playing through this kind of funk/twitchiness is a bit like getting through your day if you have the kind of pain caused by random nerve firing. (Caveat: that issue has occurred to me only a few times, and always briefly, as the consequence of a short term injury. I do not know what it is like to live with neurological problems on a daily basis. I am guessing.) You go ahead and keep moving because what the hell else are you going to do?, but the process is slow, unpleasant and much more tiring than it would be on a sane day. Also, some days are just really bad, and result in an afternoon spent keening and rocking. The best you can do is keep those rare.
Anyhow, the writeosphere awaits. Somebody needs to know how to repair their rotisserie, and I get to tell them. Whee!
(PS: Avoid ordering important things, like computers, around a holiday that's likely to interrupt shipping. Because, argh!)
