gracedpalmer: (Default)
I'm coming out of the midwinter blear much earlier this year, whether it's from exercise or systematic use of my light or just because nothing is actively on fire. This leaves me in the bizarre situation of being able to look February, the very worst month of the year, right in the face.

And right now it's not so bad. This makes me...suspicious.

The weather is grey but not so awful that I can't walk to the gym, I've finally found a workout rhythm that's not actually fun but doesn't make me feel quite as sick, Project Eat All the Pantry Food is going pretty well and I haven't been found comatose in a pile of chips and jelly beans, and I have a handful of illustration commissions going on. I'm definitely still having days of crushing despair, but a lot of my days are downright pleasant. Something must be going on.

Till whatever it is breaks, however, I'm going to sit in here with my mug of coffee and stare out at the snow. Today: 1/2 day of brainless writing, followed by drawing up the linework for an Odin portrait and finishing out the detailing on a Tree of Life. If I'm feeling tremendously energetic, I'll go to ballroom dancing at the LGBT center where [livejournal.com profile] samadi volunteers.

Dear brain

Dec. 20th, 2012 12:01 pm
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Can we stop flipping out about every social interaction we have? Seriously, in the past three days you have been convinced that I am offensive whenever I speak, boring and banal, overly timid and excessively pushy. Now you're bleeding that into IM conversations with old friends and random interactions with my SOs. I'm running out of things I can say without making you flinch and it really is making me boring. Stop now.

(I'm actually doing pretty fantastically for midwinter, but what the heck?)
gracedpalmer: (Default)
So there's two reasons I might not be updating in the winter. One is that I'm doing so badly I can't remember words and the other is that I'm doing surprisingly well and have my hands full with that. This year it is the other one, she says for the edification of future Grace.

In fact, the past few days have involved a workday well over quota (to make up for several under quota and the need to get on airplanes, but nevertheless,) a full kitchen clean, building a shelf in the kitchen out of miscellaneous scrap, putting my sofa up on legs, cleaning up some of the apartment flotsam and doing my laundry when I didn't strictly have to. Dunno what's going on, but I'll take it.

Things not done: fiction writing, as much extra quota as I really should be doing, fridge cleaning, backlogged personal and gift art. So it's not like I'm completely responsible.

In other news, I will be getting on an airplane (aargh) to go to San Antonio (aargh) over Thanksgiving (argleargh) to go see Seth (yay!) who supposedly has all the sunlight and warmth these days (additional yay, but not apparently at any time except during winter (argh)). This happens Tuesday and I am trying to juggle all the appropriate kittens to make sure that I get on my bus on time (I fear public trans for a number of silly reasons) and don't get attacked by the TSA (hello mandatory patdown).

I'm also drinking a -lot- of coffee this year. Hopefully the springtime wean won't suck too badly.

Today, cleaning horrible rat cage, finishing the dishes, cutting out a sewing project the TSA won't confiscate, filling my mp3 player and making sure that I have both a phone and a charged battery. Also lots of cooking and freezing to prevent new life from growing in my fridge while I'm gone.

I think I might finally like my apartment.
gracedpalmer: (blorp)
Depression is always more frustrating when you're doing everything right. I've been eating relatively well, getting decent sleep, and it's been bright and glorious. I went on a 2 mile+ walk on non-even terrain and hung out with friends yesterday. I've been doing tolerably at work (woo, rating is back up early!) and getting cleaning/organization and sewing done. The result? Today I woke up bad at being alive and my brain is chanting evil things at me.

Feeeeehhhhh.

Brian chemistry does not get to rule the day. I have declared it.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Because it's glorious out, but I don't really want to trundle out to the park, which I have to share with -people-. Am compensating by opening all the windows instead.

Should be cleaning, would rather be sewing. Embroidered a Vietnamese dragon on my green corduroy skirt yesterday, hiding the scissors accident it suffered some time ago. Will post pictures if I can find my camera cable.

Whee, spring!
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Which, I suspect, is a nice way of saying "why are you skulking in the bushes with a butter knife?" (The painters earlier this summer painted all my windows shut from the outside and I was prying them open). He helped me get the really bad one open, though, so now I can have storm windows again.

Have spent morning and early afternoon working on pagan devotional art, waiting for sick girlfriend to wake up. Not looking forward to dark @ 5 pm. (sunset at 4:38, technically. Daylight savings time, thou art my nemesis.)

Now, back to work.

Oh, oh my.

Nov. 5th, 2011 12:18 pm
gracedpalmer: ((default))
So, I've been sick and sleep-depped for as long as my tiny memory stretches back. In matters that are of course totally unrelated, I've been consuming what is for me quite a lot of caffeine. Last night, Mere and I had a "we are so sick; we are taking the night off, eating bad food and watching Bab 5" night. I slept somewhere close to 12 hours, melatonin-aided.

Then, I got up to nice sunshine, had a long slow morning and ate two slices of pizza. I also, as a matter of course, finished off the diet Mountain Dew that was sitting on my desk. Adequate sleep+food+light+caffeine mean that I am suddenly WIRED.

I'ma go clean the closet now. (I will not: start a new corset, reorganize all my fabric, disassemble the pantry, learn to make ice cream, start an ambitious piece of art or write a novel.) Wheeeeeeeeee!
gracedpalmer: ((default))
What a difference the light makes. I woke up late to sunlight streaming in my window, and I have energy to Do Things. I have two applications out to new writing gigs, one of them even reasonably prestigious. I may have solved one of my fiction writing problems and expect to experiment with it this afternoon.

Things learned:
- I hate cover letters
- After 15 years, my resume actually looks pretty darned good - even in chronological format. This is startling.

Sun is delicious, one-eyed jacks are delicious. Rats are not delicious, but they are adorable and playing on my bed. I have hopes for a good day.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
I've suspected it for years, but this time I'm actually lucid enough to be sure; I'm a different person in the winter. As I find myself ever more neophobic, more irritable, more easily upset by the Internet (I didn't need two separate posts about how fat people aren't working hard enough and feminists are just crazy), and generally tired, I can't help but want to crawl in a hole.

Winter me is easily agitated, anxious, doesn't like trying new things and isn't into leaving home very often. She tends to eat easy, familiar foods, since I can't guarantee that I'll be able to cook the groceries I buy, or if I cook them, that I'll clean up after. Winter me reads more books, makes less artwork, and sews a whole lot. She also gets distracted halfway through a lot of projects and is terrible about house maintenance. She cries a lot. She sleeps even more. I can't say I'm really looking forward to being that person again, but short of developing the kind of income that lets me move to the southern hemisphere for six months, that's how it's gotta be.

That said, things aren't not too bad this year. Objective reports say I'm in way better shape thus far, and I'm not the winter person entirely yet. It's just as grey and horrible out as yesterday, and I'm just as sick, but work was far easier. I've managed to do my laundry, clean up the kitchen a bit, and am even looking at writing a bit of fiction. If only I don't get laid out by a fever again tonight. There's such a thing as too much Glitch.

Have made some distressing observations about my main writing gig that suggest I oughta start shopping around for other things, and draw more, stupid. No immediate explosions, but a lot of Stupid Management Decisions that seem designed to make people disgruntled enough to leave.

After a long, confused weekend, I found [profile] moments_away's kameez sleeve, so that's one project that can go out the door shortly. I keep saying I need to take pictures of all my sewing, but of course I never do. Got a bunch of Elizabeth Bear books out of the library and will read them any minute now, I swear. Probably in a huge, absurd binge, the way I seem to read things now. I remember reading just a chapter or two at night before bed, but dimly, as in a dream. ^_^

Anyhow, Winter Hobbit out. There's ice cream to eat and fiction submissions to finish.

Uff.

Oct. 14th, 2011 11:00 am
gracedpalmer: (stupid)
This has been a Week. On Saturday, some AT&T guys installing my upstairs neighbor's internet decided to unplug mine, despite the fact that it wasn't anywhere near hers (or so said the fellow who fixed mine yesterday). So, I spent five days in 1996, and was glad I'm enough of a cranky old lady that I'm not storing everything in the cloud. Movies on disk and real books improve things mightily. Time till I heard anything from AT&T? Four days. Then we had to convince my cranky apartment manager to come over and let the repairman into the basement, which he wouldn't do till the next morning.

Work was at [profile] samadi's place on Ethyl, my 9" EeePC. Ethyl is not really made for long-term typing, so I'm behind quota pretty much every day this week. At this point, I am just going to give up, pull another half day today, and try to work on fiction/drawing. Should be able to make up most of the quota that way, editors willing and all.

For the other thing is happening, which is that it's definitely fall and it's definitely getting dark at 6:30 and aaargh. I have become Sleep-Bot, she who does nothing but snooze. Didn't make it up till 10:30 this morning and I could happily go right back, were there not Rules against that sort of thing. Fall is not a thing of dread this year, which I suppose is nice, but it is a thing of extreme weariness, and being sleepy all the time is not fun for me, fun for other people, or making me very productive. Also, it's constant cold season, plus exciting feverishness.

Things I have managed to do: Pull 50 to 75% of quota every day this week, despite lack of lifestream internet. Watch a lot of William Hartnell-era Who. Nearly finish a kameez for [profile] moments_away. Go on several walks in the outside-sunshine-place. Take many naps and try not to be very sick. Do laundry, do a bunch of portrait heads for drawing practice. Drink more coffee than is my usual wont.

Theoretically I'm going to Kenosha on Saturday for a Donato lecture. I was going to be there for a two-day workshop, but not enough people signed up and it was canceled, which makes me sad. Going seems hard and not worth it, but I should do this anyway. October is too early to turn into a lump entirely.

And now, getting up, shower, breakfast, more writing, do stuff. Aaaaany minute now.
gracedpalmer: (trogloblorp)
It seems my hindbrain has decided it's autumn. I suspect this is because the available light has reached a level about equivalent to late March. I am in much better spirits than during that time of year, but it is having some side effects.

1. I want to sleep a lot. Naps have gone back to being an hour plus. This would be fine, except that I am also having nightmares during, and I need to start getting up earlier and earlier as the sunset comes earlier. I am not looking forward to the doom that is Daylight Saving Time.

2. Moods are a bit random. I've been low in the mornings and highly distractable, but not completely depressed. For instance, today I have reorganized my closet, done some quickie repairs on my bed (won't last, sadly - come spring I need to either build or buy a new one), rotated my mattress (which weighs more than some people) and put a coat of shellac on the worn spot in the floor. I'll need to continue doing stuff for most of tonight, because we're currently in the exciting torn-apart stage of the apartment.

3. While I think it's fall, the weather does not. This has resulting my being convinced I need socks and boots when it's 85 degrees.

In good news, shucking more stuff - eventually I may have few enough belongings to finally fit in this shoebox. Less good news - my kitchen still sucks. ^_^;

Tonight:
Clean under bed
Finally put last of window screens in
Clear the floor enough to move round in
Take AC, box fan, baby food jars to curb for scavengers?
Read sample text for next commission once too tired to clean.

Tomorrow:
Help [profile] moments_away get new glasses, since hers broke in half
Acquire groceries
Drive to Rockford to pick up [profile] samadi and [profile] jmpierce, meet [profile] whymc for dinner after Adin & Christina's wedding weekend
Attempt to prevent fiery death in Labor Day traffic

Being self-employed and working at home means that most major holidays have become times when no one's online and you can't park outside your own building.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Greetings! I am having imitation Indonesian food tonight - noodles and stirfried veggies with spicy peanut sauce, which I made a little too limey, I think. While boiled egg and peanut sauce are probably the Best Thing, I am willing to admit a place for crispy tofu. If I am clever, I will put some of this in my bento box for tomorrow instead of stuffing it all in my face tonight. I have been entirely too lax in reinitiating Project Lunchpack, and I eat more vegetables when I bother to bento.

In non-dinner news, today I went to the polls and civicked properly. There's a state Supreme Court race and a county commissioner race (Scott Walker's old job), and this is one of the few ways I can actually do anything. Plus, I am belligerent about voting.

Also visited the church store on the corner. Acquired some kitchen stuffs, including a new candy thermometer. Then to fabric store and resale store, where I acquired some lovely blue and purple quilting cotton for re-covering my comforter (a compromise between making one from scratch and trying to find one for sale that I didn't hate), some relatively good chocolate and some high end vanilla extract I would not otherwise have purchased. I'd say I wouldn't be able to afford it, but this is not strictly true. I can afford many things, largely by virtue of not buying very many of them. ^_^

I have been curiously low energy and depressed this evening, but am pressing onward regardless. The result is that I have 1. Feeling of Accomplishment, with which to combat the blargh. Not really sure why the blargh is here in the first place; it was fantastically sunny today. When I got back home, the afternoon sunbeams were coming in my windows and setting the room aglow. This brings me much glee.

Had a good tabletop game, followed by a good round of scrounging (heavy duty milk crate, working air conditioner for [profile] moments_away, miscellaneous shelvage) Sunday night. Weekends are getting hard on me - I've been staying up late, but I also don't like sleeping in anymore. I envy all the people I know who can get by on 6 or 7 hours of sleep and still feel ok.

I'm gonna go A. sew, B. make bento, C. put away my laundry, D. look up spice rack plans, and maybe E. put tulle all over my windows.

My spiderweb fabric shed in the dryer. All things are now glitter.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Though, living in the midwest, we can safely expect several pockets of winter and another blizzard or two. But it was 60 out today, everything was melted, and the birds have started shouting "my tree, my tree" everywhere. This pleases me!

To inaugurate spring, I have apparently decided to put together my taxes. This might also be because I have to see the accountant tomorrow. I am poorly organized and flaky, so she will look disappointed at me before doing wonderful things to keep the number from hurting me.

In addition. For Lex, a Corinthian )
gracedpalmer: ((default))
And I feel fine.

Ok, so that's a lie, really. I feel like a soggy bag of potatoes, but votcha gonna do? Creativity is at a nadir, days are both passing slowly and disappearing with great speed, and I seem to be plaguey on top of it. [profile] sfogarty is coming in at 2 pmish on the 21st, though, and the apartment needs cleaning! Also, bread needs made (and it's a good indicator of how much better I am this year that I can not only make bread, but wash all the dishes just 2 days before the solstice. )

What I do seem to be able to do is sew. And thus I have made my yearly mega fabric orders to keep myself tolerably dressed. It helps if I keep my closet not-too-full, so I am putting some guarding on the hems of a few skirts to extend their useful lives, rather than make new ones. Also making some winter presents and some nice underthings from a small bolt of habotai and organizing the sewing basket. I need to find someone wispy and faery-like to use my collection of bedraggled lace on. It's lovely stuff, age-stained in ways that people elaborately tea-dye to mimic, but it doesn't work on me. Perhaps I can incorporate it into Miss Havisham's Window Dressing. When you can do naught else: sew!

I did get all my commission emails replied to, however. Because working to spec is a completely different process than having to come up with ideas, commissions are actually much more doable, even when I'm batty. They let me get my fingers all in the paint without having to fret over whether something is conceptually good.

Had to separate poor Hector-rat from the others. Pyotr was beating the crap out of him, and Hector is too old and amiable to have to put up with that. May try to integrate the Tsars and Aeneas, though - 3 cages for 4 rats is just silly.

The radiators in the building have only two temperatures this year: "Naked!" and "Shiver under all the blankets." I find this disappointing to say the least.

Hope you're all okay out there. Don't let the winter eat you.
gracedpalmer: (blorp)
I am going to go ahead and say that as of this week, the winter blues have reached Very Bad. This is a tracking post for me for next year, and I suppose info for anyone who'd like to know the details of my crazy.

Addendum:
It sounds like I'm being really melodramatic in this post. I have considered private-locking it to avoid looking like a drama queen. But I never remember to check my private posts, and there was some interest in how my particular disorder works, so I'm leaving it up. I am lucid enough to write this - that means I'm actually doing quite well - all scary words aside.

Symptomology here )

A bento

Dec. 1st, 2010 06:54 pm
gracedpalmer: ((default))
No guarantee that this'll be a regular thing again, but tonight's was at least moderately pretty (though not enough colors), and I knew where the camera was.

Once more, into the lunch )

20 days to sun-death.
gracedpalmer: (stupid)
But I am only somewhat good.

State of the Grace )
gracedpalmer: (genji)
Inking Progress: Halfway done the Horror itself, first intensive pass complete on rocks (oh, those damned rocks)
Pen Quality: Must rest and switch every 15 min or so
Sustenance: French toast, hot cocoa, hunk of bread with cheese on cause I got dizzy - why yes, I am failing Vegetables today.
Fiction: On pause while I ink like crazy to meet deadline
Depression: Severe last night, to the point of panicked insomnia. Moderate to severe this morning. Have fought down to mild but prickly. Chemical plus genuine.
Light: 1/2 hour light box, wallowing in late afternoon sunshine through window
Socks: Red and speckly
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Only throwing some things away. I'm having a Night, but so far I'm still managing to surf on top the crazy. No telling when the next wave will break, though. Put a lot of older art into the boxes that hold up the rat cage, instead of ditching it. Ditched some things. Haven't started scrubbing floors yet, but it may come.

I suppose this is better than back when I used to just break down.

In semi-related news - I have a lightbox this fall. It's tons smaller than my old one, mostly blue, and runs on LEDs. Despite the current madness, it's still a lovely thing. My energy levels are much higher since I started using it. I could wish the happiness quotient were following, but so it goes, I suppose. At least I've been able to clean and write a little and draw a few more things, instead of only sitting here like a lump (I've done some of that, too).

I would put some sketches up here, but they all fill me with rage at the moment.

Too lazy to photo, but my bento for tomorrow is homemade tortillas with beans and cheese and very strong homemade salsa. Dessert is stewed pears with ginger and rum. I am looking forward to it.

How's y'all?
gracedpalmer: (Default)
- Putting off correspondence I really need to get back on top of
- Getting ~1 hour of dance game per day (DDR Leonard Cohen works better than you might think) and suddenly graduating to twice-daily showers because of it
- Not doing anywhere near as much art as I should
- Turning into a depressed, unmotivated pumpkin for an hour or two around sunset
- Turning into a productive, manic spazz when the sun is out, now that afternoon sun slants into my apartment again
- Plotting to live in a greenhouse to get more delicious sunz
- Alternating art despair with poking at painting
- Reading books, but not reviewing them

I'm in the middle of a content-free experimental painting right now, and am about to have strawberry English pancakes (and sweet milky tea) for dinner. Because I can!

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