Aug. 28th, 2012 08:13 pm
gracedpalmer: (cranky)
Am very much enjoying having an apartment big enough for dance.

Also, allowing myself to feel like I have cheated on something inconsequential seems to be an important brain hack. "Getting" to dance instead of do step made moving about way more appealing.

Now I just have to eat something. Food is hard.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
I often intend to talk about my crazy and how it works here, in the spirit of other people's illuminating posts on the subject. I frequently don't, because it feels tremendously self-indulgent, or because the aforementioned crazy gets in the way. However, this afternoon's bout is nicely illustrative of one of the most important skills I've learned for staying semi-functional: determining whether my current spate of emotional problems is caused by a real event, or merely latching on to it on the way by.


Me: Well, it's Friday, so that means Other Gig, plus fiction and illustration. No First Gig, especially since First Gig seems to be on fire.

Also Me: Inertia. Distress, unformed anxiety, randomized guilt.

Me: Oh? Well, let's have a slow morning. Why don't I have a look at this winter present list for a while and play some Glitch. And I'll pull up Other Gig and keep it in a window to remind me that I need to work on it.

Also Me: We can't buy presents, you fool! First Gig is exploding!

Me: Well, yes, but we have Other Gig. Also, Old Job, test grading, at-home tech support like jmpierce does, variations of First Gig from lookalike companies and Captel if stuff gets really bad. Plus, we've been meaning to get the portfolio in better shape and start looking for magazine jobs. You know, like a Real Freelancer.

Also Me: We can't be a real freelancer. Are you an idiot? We fail at everything. Fear! Fearstressanxietyborderlinetears!

Me: Oh. Hmm. Well, let's see about getting the laundry in, taking some advil, and doing that food thing we've been putting off. That should take care of anxiety from lack of accomplishment, anxiety as a fever side effect and hypoglycemia.

Also Me: Oh, peanut sauce.

Me: Okay, food helps. So, now let's figure out how much we have to do at Other Gig to match what we've been making at First Gig. Bah, we've done way more work than this before. Wallet will be fine.

Also Me: Fear! Stressfailurefeartears!

Me: So, what exactly is the issue here? We could be working right now to alleviate that whole lack of money/failure problem, except you're too busy being upset. Have we got any racing thoughts about what's going to go wrong?

Also Me: Generalized unhappiness.

Me: Okay, how about specific fear?

Also Me: Despair!

Me: Ahhh. Well, why don't I just turn on the light box and see what I can get done today, then. You're clearly no help.

(format stolen from hermitgeecko)


The stress over job stuff is definitely real. They say that changing jobs is apparently stressful on par with moving, divorce and a death in the family. But given the fact that I'm just generally upset, no matter what I do, I'm gonna call this one chemically induced by winter, hormones, illness or some combination of the three, and attempt to limp on. The phase will pass, and it will suck quite a lot while it's here, but there's not a lot that will shift it for now.

It has taken me years and years of prodding the bit that hurts to see what happens in order to learn to do this. Frankly, it's not always accurate. Most often, I think a mood is situational when it is chemical. Occasionally, like much of last year, I will mistake a lingering malaise for a chemical one when I am in a low-level bad situation.

Nevertheless, I think that if I hadn't learned to do this, I would either be dead or living with my grandparents. Because mistaking your chemical issue for real ones makes it way more likely that you'll go with the flow and get more upset. That physically encourages your brain to favor certain awful mood paths over good ones, so you're actually more likely to get depressed. Plus, you don't get a whole lot done, and people think of you as a hysterical flake.

I still don't get anywhere near as much done as I would if my brain worked properly. Working or playing through this kind of funk/twitchiness is a bit like getting through your day if you have the kind of pain caused by random nerve firing. (Caveat: that issue has occurred to me only a few times, and always briefly, as the consequence of a short term injury. I do not know what it is like to live with neurological problems on a daily basis. I am guessing.) You go ahead and keep moving because what the hell else are you going to do?, but the process is slow, unpleasant and much more tiring than it would be on a sane day. Also, some days are just really bad, and result in an afternoon spent keening and rocking. The best you can do is keep those rare.

Anyhow, the writeosphere awaits. Somebody needs to know how to repair their rotisserie, and I get to tell them. Whee!

(PS: Avoid ordering important things, like computers, around a holiday that's likely to interrupt shipping. Because, argh!)
gracedpalmer: ((default))
I think if younger Grace asked me for art advice, I'd have to say: Never take a long break from art or writing. Your taste will advance while your skill doesn't, and you'll hate all you do thereafter.

Or, in other words - guh, why can Thog no paint? My fingers are stupid and won't obey me. At least this year I am managing to swat clumsily at it. Last year, I wasn't arting or doing fiction hardly at all. The only way out is through, but damnit...

The twitchiness is setting in, though. Trouble sleeping, and the news is prone to send me into fits of miserable frustration or sadness. It would be nice if I got more warning on this, because then I could just avoid it entirely. But I can manage most of a day of information about, say, Occupy Wall Street or upcoming legislation. Then I hit some stupid comment or essay and things get spiraltastic. The world feels like a very futile place to this hippy-kid. I think I may have exhausted my optimism for change a couple of decades ago.

Still, today was beautiful, and I managed to go for a walk by the lake with delightful humans and have a real live nap, with hormonal aids. Am well ahead on this month's reduced quota. Might even make proper quota. In theory, there is a Cintiq winging its way toward me. If I can figure out how to rearrange my sleep schedule again, I might be able to go work out with my girlfriend in the middle of the night come December or so. Just gotta figure out how not to need sleep.

That one might need more work.

Working my way through the old Doctor Who reconstructions, from the episodes that got wiped during the 1970s. Enjoying Power of the Daleks thoroughly, though the visuals (choppy video and stills) are bad enough that it's better to treat it as a radio play. Feeling ambivalent enough about the new series, on the other hand, that I am still not caught up. Moffat - why was your first season so crap to women?

Anyhow, back to smearing pixels badly. I've got a cyborg mp3 player who won't paint herself.
gracedpalmer: (citations)
I eventually did get that coffee into me, but today is one of those days where the world is just sharp, and contact with even imaginary Internet people is exhausting.

Read more... )
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Om, nom, nom.

In other news, still having trouble with standard job (it's them, and it's also me), but defeated the fiction monster and finished round one of testing for new gig.

This blog is full of fantastic old ladies.

I will reply to all your comments soon, I promise. It's been something of a week.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
I've just been an interesting combination of busy and inert. Helping a friend move from Peoria to Milwaukee (still in progress), finally getting a little art done (working on that today), doing quite a bit of sewing. The winter is also getting to me, though not as badly as it often does. I have bread in the oven, most of the dishes are done, and I've folded laundry already this morning.

Had to have Exciting Dental Work done in the past two weeks, which was expensive and not at all fun. Have root canal, waiting for the cash and appointment to get a crown. Have not been writing to quota the way I should have, so income is poor this month. Not a good combination. Ought to be making up for that today, but that is the last thing I want to do. Can't have caffeine much for the foreseeable future. A cup of very strong English Breakfast yesterday precipitated a rather amazing amount of anxiety. This is dissapointing, as the tea was my reward for having put up with the dental work.

Instead, of course, I want a better apartment. Also not terribly economically feasible if I keep doing crap work. :P I have gotten better about this one while I've lived here, though my housekeeping is still terrible. But some things aren't going to get better - having a bathroom made for a guy (of either sex) who owns no personal care products or cleaning supplies is one of them. Having a kitchen that's about 3.5 feet wide and is another one. Just got to decide if I can put together the cash for moving, and keep up the income, and deal with the hassle, or whether Kitchen of Hallway is preferable. It would be awfully nice to have a place I could actually mop.

I do intend to eat through my pantry before spring gets going. There're a lot of elderly legumes, starches and frozen stews I need to deal with. For instance, I had completely forgotten that I'd frozen a Japanese curry. I have a good deal of envy for [profile] samadi's much more streamlined apartment these days. I can't mimic that, but maybe I can cut down the stuff in the kitchen a little.

In other news, gearing up to do some more art for the Alphabeastiary again. I originally stalled in mid-November after doing A in a hurry. Currently working on the Bush Dai Dai. Linework is complete (the safety scan looks awful, so I won't share it with you here) and I'm ready to do colors, once I get up the energy. Hopefully this'll continue. But first - there's literally a bun in the oven I need to check on, the bread is rising, and I'm going to go spend some time on the bed with a rat.

I think today calls for a whole lot of really loud mittelalter music, and perhaps scrubbing something.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Frank Frazetta died a little bit ago. I ended up starting this copy the same day, so I guess it's a bit of a homage. The choice of pic is due to the fact that I got my hands on a Frazetta art book when I was just a little too young for it, and was fascinated by this one. Her bottom is so large and glowy. :P The copy didn't turn out exact, in part because I keep "correcting" the anatomy, and in part because I'm not all that good. However, it's nice to know that I actually can model in digital paint without lines. I've always been pretty good at copywork, and I still seem to be passable. Now to learn to do this when I'm not copying.

This was a huge piece, and it made my computer very sad much of the time. It was very difficult for me to work this loose, but I've been told to loosen up my work repeatedly. Frazetta seemed the best choice to copy, since his style is generally the polar opposite of mine, and has the dynamism and looseness that I lack. Pictures are under the cut, but be warned. There are several, and one of them is most of a Mb and about 9000 pixels high.

Read more... )
gracedpalmer: (stupid)
Today I spent 6 hours or so finishing off the loft transformation. I used to sleep in a loft, but the area beneath it was dark and tended to clutter. So now I have a mini-loft (it still needs a stepstool to get into) with much storage space. It would have been shorter, but there was a radiator to deal with.

I am unsure it is completely finished, since there are a few more screws to go in (I used screws and pilot holes, instead of bolts - Carolyn, you were right - they do come out again if I predrill them instead of letting them self drill, and I pick the correct screwdriver. Also, the screws I was using before have a crappy hybrid phillips head that made the driver slip.)

I hurt in a whole lot of places now, but it's probably good for me. Accomplished the whole thing without use of power tools, which pleases me. I hate the noise, and my inexperience and lack of proper clamps and sawhorses makes it take about as long, even if I do have electricity. That much handwork means I now have much stronger wrists, and that tomorrow typing is going to be a pain in the ass. But go, little hand saw, and go...hmm. When I say "hand drill," people always think about these: but a brace and bit is like this: Does anyone know the proper name for this thing? Mine is very similar, though a little prettier. It sees a lot of use.

Bed is no longer a rope bed, because tightening the ropes at the new height would have been murder. It is now the world's ugliest 2x4 slat bed, but it seems to suffice. Even despite the fact that I misplanned twice over the course of making it and had to come up with exciting solutions/cut pieces shorter. The feel is more springy than the floor (where I slept the past two nights) and less springy than the rope bed, which was like sleeping in a giant hammock. I anticipate a weird sleepless night tonight, due to the fact that the light and temperature get all weird every time I change elevations, and the fact that I tend to end up convinced everything I build is going to collapse under me. This has never happened, though they are certainly ugly.

I'ma go die for a bit now, and maybe I'll feel good enough to work on my dishes and make lunch for tomorrow. Unfortunately, a big chunk of the work had to be done all at once, because once I put the center support in for the slats, I couldn't sleep on floor-mattress anymore. So I did maybe a little more work today than was a good idea. Wheee!
gracedpalmer: (stupid)
I'm going to have to do this in a little more detail for a bit, because my spring has been absolutely nuts. To do it properly, I'd need to journal every day, but the moment I promise that, I won't do it. So, here's the cut )
gracedpalmer: (genji)
I've had one of those "oh god, the mess is going to eat me" bugs for a while now, and that's resulting in a giant room organization/rearrangement fest. I'm also currently completely mad. I've been oscillating between fits of despair and not knowing where I'll put things and the urge to declare myself a god (to the rats - there's no one else to hear) and run about in a frenzy. So far, I have obeyed neither, and have managed to stick to steadily putting things in ever-smaller piles, or in the trash can. I do have more floor right now than I've had in some time, however, and that's pretty cool.

Also: it is a swarm of locusts day, and eating is getting really annoying. Soon I shall devour all! Food doesn't even sound all that good; I'm just stopping to consume when the stomach pain gets too bad or my blood sugar drops enough that I feel like I'll tip over.

Still, minor cleanliness (in the midst of extreme chaos). Quasi-organization!


Apr. 30th, 2010 03:49 pm
gracedpalmer: (cranky)
Today has been very low on emotional spoons. Thankfully, I've managed the bare minimum now, and I get to screw around if I want to.


Feb. 5th, 2010 09:16 am
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Woke up after horrible dreams about family entrapment (not mine), murder and creepy rape overtones. Thanks, brain - do not want. This probably stems from all the morality conversations I've had with [ profile] samadi and the one I had with [ profile] lerite last night. Having disquieting thoughts about the prevalence of the "they're outside my monkey-sphere, it doesn't matt what happens to them" thought process. Geh. The fact that the sky's the color of baby swans (but much less cute) probably didn't help.

Got in dance game, damnit, now watching archived footage on the Shiba Inu cam. Feel like I should work on writing fiction again, but fiction is hard! Also, I have drivel to mine first.
Food! And maybe some caffeine. Glorious, glorious caffeine.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Working on a piece that's a little too hard for me again. We'll see if I can accomplish what I'd like, or if I mess it up halfway through. It's like juggling rats. So far, so good, but they're so -squirmy-! And I know I'm going to drop one any minute now.

Sleep schedule is rotating back - I'm going to bed anywhere between 9 and 11 most nights, though I was up till 11:30 last night. This seems absurdly early, but it's enabling wakeup times around 8 to 8:30, so it's worth it. The extra sunlight is making a difference.

Of course, after dark I'm prone to lunatic beliefs, severe self doubt and big, dramatic cases of the hacks. So far I've not done too much that I oughtn't. Tonight hasn't been bad. I'm trying to get this painting done before the con, and I had a brief manic period that allowed for a lot of painting. Perhaps I must simply keep myself busy. Having time to kill seems to be a real problem.

Must do laundry before the con and hopefully tidy a bit. Housework has been terrible, and I've been eating so much boxed stuff. There's breakfast cereal in my house now. How bizarre is that? Daily monitoring is now required to make sure I eat a non-starchy, non-allium vegetable instead of living on shredded wheat, bagels and potatoes with egg. Caffeine intake is unnecessarily high. But - writing work is getting done and I've done more art in the past month and a half than I did in most of the previous year, so it's not entirely a loss.

Progress art up on the other journal again.
gracedpalmer: (stupid)
Do not bake an eggplant without poking a hole in it. Really.

Now how am I going to get the eggplant off my ceiling?

Also, ow.

Day 2

Sep. 18th, 2009 05:19 pm
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Alright, time to move away from the comfort zone. Not too far, though - if I jump right into really difficult things, I'll just wander off. So, still with a head shot and still with linework only. But it's a guy, which I'm less good at, and there are three colors this time. Plus the terrifying prospect of dealing with neck anatomy.

9-18-09 )
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Theoretically I ought to upload this to the other journal, but I'm feeling lazy. This is the first thing I've managed to get far enough to finish in a long time.

Paint Tool Sai, using the limited palette I posted a few days ago. Background toned with yellow ochre. Linework in red ochre and lead white. Time to finish - 2ish hours?

Random 16th cen style 'chalk' drawing )

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