gracedpalmer: (Default)
I am somewhat less sick today, though it was a near thing earlier.

1. I made it to the orthopedic surgeon for a check up. My bones are all in the right place but still broken, apparently. I am to continue to stay off the ankle for another week, then switch to the walker or crutches and put gradually more weight on it. This is frustrating, but there are worse things. I miss walking!

2. I slept badly last night, with a round of our fun fibro-related friend, mandatory anxiety attacks. No matter what you might want to think about, you will come up with the worst possible scenario and spend the night sweating and full of doom-thoughts. This did not make the wake-up for the doctor my very favorite.

3. Upon returning to my den post-doctor, I endeavored a nap. Apparently this is a mistake, 'cause I woke up with a crushing migraine and a buncha fibro stuff. That cleared up around 5 or so, and I got a tolerable 4ish hours work in today.

4. I am out of chocolate muffins. Boo. I shall need to convince M to do some shopping for me soon, or else bite the bullet and order grocery delivery.

-----

1. My head does -not- hurt much anymore and I should be allowed to actually walk in some form in about another month. Work went ok after I could see straight. Tonight seems like it'll be all right!
gracedpalmer: (Default)
I am always and eternally playing catchup. But I've decided to participate in Junicorn-type things when I am not wiped out with commission work or health stuff. There are a few sketches in progress, but today I've just finished the one:

Unicorn via Instagram

Edit: first picture iteration failed; I've had to link to more modern social media for now.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
On meds attempt number two and beginning to despair for a number of reasons I won't enumerate here because I don't have them completely figured out. Getting about 4 to 6 hours of actual sleep per night is further complicating the attempt to actually do that. I am tempted to give up and go back to relying on exercise and coffee.

I have, however, been doing more things than I usually manage in October. One of them was going to the Griffin's Needle 24-hour costuming event in Madison. Here )are some photos of me being very tired and sewing things.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Somehow it has become October without my consent. I am not entirely sure how this happened. This means that it is time to get out the Searing Blue Light of Functionality. Honestly, I should have had it out weeks ago, but it's been hectic.

Went to other doctors to try to manage my crazy. Left with Effexor prescription and without several vials of blood. The former was a very bad idea; let us simply say that Effexor is not for me, and that I am very happy to be able to stand up properly again and relax my muscles. If any of you guys do not have horrible issues with this med and happen to use the 75mg generic capsule, you should give me a poke. I will not be putting it in my body again.

Unfortunately, the person who gave it to me is not getting back in contact, which is very frustrating. I feel that she ought to at least be notified that I'm not on it anymore, and also I would like her to please suggest something else. I seem to have tremendously bad luck with brain meds.

In a fit of unnecessary optimism, I paid my entire estimated tax burden at once this year. Technically, I could wait until December to pay off a quarter of it, which is what I ought to have done. Now juggling work and bank transfers to make up for the foolishness of Past Grace.

Fat free diet has me literally dreaming about doughnuts and pizza, specifically about being surrounded by them at social gatherings and not being able to eat anything. That said, I have managed to find a reasonable number of tasty things over the course of the last month. I am just disappointed by being unable to butter them.

I also have two small new fuzzbutts around the house. The local humane shelter got 18! ratbabies in and I took home a pair of the most social boys. They are as yet unnamed but are Very Excited by everything.

Now back to writing cookbook introductions. This has been your "I don't want to work" interlude.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
1. Surgeon is definitely overcautious. I can eat around 2 to 3 grams of fat per meal without any issues whatsoever. This still keeps me from actually eating almost any prepared food, but makes things suck a little less.

2. Kava kava is a fail for me. Does not reduce anxiety, has bonus of making me woozy and sick.

3. The weather is fantastic and I want to frolic in it forever. I might, however, need to place a new Sock Dreams order.

4. Serious self worth problems of late. Attempting to fix them via ripping apart my closet and throwing a lot of stuff away. Am avoiding thinking about the enormous amount of work I have queued for next week.

5. Have eaten more cocoa krispies than appropriate. Send milk.

Augh

Aug. 29th, 2013 10:10 am
gracedpalmer: (Default)
So I've been waiting a month to get to see an affordable doctor about the fact that my anxiety levels are through the roof and I'm exhausted all the time. It has been a really bad time trying to get to this appointment. They just cancelled on me.

This is going to be a pretty crappy day.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
The annual bout of "I should throw everything away and live out of a backpack" has begun again, largely spurred by Just Being Too Tired. Honestly, the apartment is in halfway decent shape, compared to historical lows, but the clutter is starting to get to me and all I want to do is sleep. I could be asleep right now! Why am I not doing that?

I would, of course, hate actual minimalism and bring home piles of miscellaneous stuff almost immediately. Plus, there's only so far I can pare down unless I want to start limiting the art I can do, and that way lies doom. This season also encourages work shenanigans; I find myself pondering options with a lot more risk, such as writing a short story or doing some high dollar articles on spec. That's not so bad in and of itself, but I want to do it because it sounds like less work. This is a. not true, and b. not a very good way to ensure that I can pay my rent this month.

On the bright side: I am up and dressed, and there is the potential of very sweet, milky coffee in the kitchen. The laundry level has become such that I have no other option but to do it, and I am nearly finished with a small sewing project. Also, as of a few weeks ago, I managed to fix the major graphics program issues that kept me from using Ubuntu as my primary OS. This is much more comfortable!

I want to be able to show you folks some art instead of just reporting on my mental health for Future Grace, but it's all half finished. So instead, here's a half-assed picture of Hawkeye as Red Sonja that I put on Tumblr.

Dear brain

Dec. 20th, 2012 12:01 pm
gracedpalmer: (Default)
Can we stop flipping out about every social interaction we have? Seriously, in the past three days you have been convinced that I am offensive whenever I speak, boring and banal, overly timid and excessively pushy. Now you're bleeding that into IM conversations with old friends and random interactions with my SOs. I'm running out of things I can say without making you flinch and it really is making me boring. Stop now.

(I'm actually doing pretty fantastically for midwinter, but what the heck?)
gracedpalmer: (Default)
for my own records )
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Just got the tubes installed at my new place, at long farking last. I am exceedingly lucky that I was able to do some relatively high pay-per-word work over the break, and that I could do it via tiny laptop+USB drive+a lot of ferrying things back and forth to [profile] moments_away's place, but not having a connection made me feel horribly isolated. Having the Internet also helps me feel like this is actually an apartment, rather than some weird hotel room I'm temporarily staying in.

Minimal other news for the time being; my stuff's still all over, my bed is on the floor, and I need to build gobs of furniture. The rats also have a new house, since we recycled the old one rather than clean and move it (after 7 years, a Martin's 690 gets very unfortunate). I will post photos of the new apartment (which is considerably larger than a shoebox) whenever I actually have it together enough and when I can finally find my camera.

Now, to get through 9+ days of LJ back entries.
gracedpalmer: (cranky)
1. I am very tired. I blame this in part on moving stress, in part on the greyness, and in part on how bad my sleep has been lately. No insomnia, no nightmares, but plenty of stress dreams. Also a bit on frustration at several difficult to alter situations that are rather important, and at people treating my friends badly.

2. My rat is sick. Vanya has been losing weight and seeming anti-social for a while, but I thought it was because Petya was routinely bullying him and the Romans kept stealing his food. Fighting started early last night and Vanya got moved to his very own cage. When I woke up this morning, he was lethargic, hadn't eaten and didn't object to me picking him up. One vet visit later, I have the standard cocktail of Baytril and Doxycycline, which he's to get 2x day for the next two weeks. I hope that it works; sick rats tend to improve significantly or go downhill fast, with little to no middle ground.

3. I did no real work today. It really seems as though I ought to feel guiltier about that, but see #s 1 and 2. Also, I did just finish a giant job last night and am something like 3/4 of a week ahead, reduced slightly after rat expenditure. Hopefully I will perk up a bit this evening. There are light bulbs to change out, floors to scrub, dishes to stuff in boxes. M minus 4 days.

4. Sweater coat is well underway. I've managed to get the skirt lining 1/3 finished, which sounds less impressive than it is. This coat will have a double-circle skirt and all the pieces are hand-hemmed, then whipped together, because the fabric in that construction fails before the stitches do and I want this thing to last forever. Am terribly afraid that my aesthetic sense is going to demand the chevron pattern on the outside. It would look lovely, but take a gazillion years. Will post design drawings when i figure out what the heck I want.

5. I am pretty sure I have done permanent damage to my face. When I look in the mirror I have pretty much textbook rosacea, down to the strange proto-acne. I am lucky in that my case is currently very mild and localized to the center and outside of my cheeks. However, this is a progressive condition that you can't make better. Controlling the damage is about the best option and the best way to do that is by keeping the skin unflushed and unirritated. For the past four or five years I've also been having weird mini-fever things that turn me pink, elevate my temperature slightly, make me tired and anxious and produce back pain. These happen semi-weekly, daily on occasion. Still not sure why, currently investigating possible food intolerance. So that's fun.
gracedpalmer: (Default)
I often intend to talk about my crazy and how it works here, in the spirit of other people's illuminating posts on the subject. I frequently don't, because it feels tremendously self-indulgent, or because the aforementioned crazy gets in the way. However, this afternoon's bout is nicely illustrative of one of the most important skills I've learned for staying semi-functional: determining whether my current spate of emotional problems is caused by a real event, or merely latching on to it on the way by.

******

Me: Well, it's Friday, so that means Other Gig, plus fiction and illustration. No First Gig, especially since First Gig seems to be on fire.

Also Me: Inertia. Distress, unformed anxiety, randomized guilt.

Me: Oh? Well, let's have a slow morning. Why don't I have a look at this winter present list for a while and play some Glitch. And I'll pull up Other Gig and keep it in a window to remind me that I need to work on it.

Also Me: We can't buy presents, you fool! First Gig is exploding!

Me: Well, yes, but we have Other Gig. Also, Old Job, test grading, at-home tech support like jmpierce does, variations of First Gig from lookalike companies and Captel if stuff gets really bad. Plus, we've been meaning to get the portfolio in better shape and start looking for magazine jobs. You know, like a Real Freelancer.

Also Me: We can't be a real freelancer. Are you an idiot? We fail at everything. Fear! Fearstressanxietyborderlinetears!

Me: Oh. Hmm. Well, let's see about getting the laundry in, taking some advil, and doing that food thing we've been putting off. That should take care of anxiety from lack of accomplishment, anxiety as a fever side effect and hypoglycemia.

Also Me: Oh, peanut sauce.

Me: Okay, food helps. So, now let's figure out how much we have to do at Other Gig to match what we've been making at First Gig. Bah, we've done way more work than this before. Wallet will be fine.

Also Me: Fear! Stressfailurefeartears!

Me: So, what exactly is the issue here? We could be working right now to alleviate that whole lack of money/failure problem, except you're too busy being upset. Have we got any racing thoughts about what's going to go wrong?

Also Me: Generalized unhappiness.

Me: Okay, how about specific fear?

Also Me: Despair!

Me: Ahhh. Well, why don't I just turn on the light box and see what I can get done today, then. You're clearly no help.

(format stolen from hermitgeecko)

******

The stress over job stuff is definitely real. They say that changing jobs is apparently stressful on par with moving, divorce and a death in the family. But given the fact that I'm just generally upset, no matter what I do, I'm gonna call this one chemically induced by winter, hormones, illness or some combination of the three, and attempt to limp on. The phase will pass, and it will suck quite a lot while it's here, but there's not a lot that will shift it for now.

It has taken me years and years of prodding the bit that hurts to see what happens in order to learn to do this. Frankly, it's not always accurate. Most often, I think a mood is situational when it is chemical. Occasionally, like much of last year, I will mistake a lingering malaise for a chemical one when I am in a low-level bad situation.

Nevertheless, I think that if I hadn't learned to do this, I would either be dead or living with my grandparents. Because mistaking your chemical issue for real ones makes it way more likely that you'll go with the flow and get more upset. That physically encourages your brain to favor certain awful mood paths over good ones, so you're actually more likely to get depressed. Plus, you don't get a whole lot done, and people think of you as a hysterical flake.

I still don't get anywhere near as much done as I would if my brain worked properly. Working or playing through this kind of funk/twitchiness is a bit like getting through your day if you have the kind of pain caused by random nerve firing. (Caveat: that issue has occurred to me only a few times, and always briefly, as the consequence of a short term injury. I do not know what it is like to live with neurological problems on a daily basis. I am guessing.) You go ahead and keep moving because what the hell else are you going to do?, but the process is slow, unpleasant and much more tiring than it would be on a sane day. Also, some days are just really bad, and result in an afternoon spent keening and rocking. The best you can do is keep those rare.

Anyhow, the writeosphere awaits. Somebody needs to know how to repair their rotisserie, and I get to tell them. Whee!

(PS: Avoid ordering important things, like computers, around a holiday that's likely to interrupt shipping. Because, argh!)
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Somewhere along the line, Leonard Cohen became comforting. This is a great improvement over my liking his poetry, but tending to become suicidal if I listened to him too long. I am going to steal [personal profile] matociquala's titling style for a while, because it's way easier than coming up with my own.

The morning is lovely, if entirely too cold, and I woke up exhausted again. I am a firm believer in the power of sleep, but this is become absurd. If you're listening, meat: I have things to do! And while you're at it, kick the brain chemistry and tell it to give my self-worth and momentum back. Nevertheless, there shall be a shower, and I shall specifically put on clothes I like in an effort to kickstart things. If the meat continues to disobey, there may have to be makeup. Winter, it's the season of femme.

I would very much like to finish some of the things I have been talking about, so that I can show them to you instead of just nattering. Wouldn't that be a change? Don't currently hate the piece I was working on last night enough to delete it, so maybe it will happen.

I am told the Cintiq is in the mail. Hurrah!

Once again, the news makes me want to crawl into a hole. And I haven't even seen people being asses about it yet today. Also filled with the conviction that everything I post is an annoyance. That's been going on some weeks, and it's been a struggle not to just delete everything. As with the reason I vote, I shall continue to post out of sheer belligerence and to prove that I can.

And then I realize I just compared LiveJournal to a basic human right, and it's definitely time to take that shower.

Aha!

Nov. 5th, 2011 02:14 pm
gracedpalmer: shouting at mailboxes (elizabeth)
So it turns out I'm -crazy- today. That answers the question of where the energy came from. At least it's the marginally useful kind?

No, brain. I shall rebuff your attempt to turn manic energy into weeping anxiety. Here is some Irish punk. Here are some dishes. Wash them. Here are some potatoes. Eat them. Here is some laundry. Do it. Here are some shoes. Put them the fuck on.

Wheeeee, mark two.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
I've suspected it for years, but this time I'm actually lucid enough to be sure; I'm a different person in the winter. As I find myself ever more neophobic, more irritable, more easily upset by the Internet (I didn't need two separate posts about how fat people aren't working hard enough and feminists are just crazy), and generally tired, I can't help but want to crawl in a hole.

Winter me is easily agitated, anxious, doesn't like trying new things and isn't into leaving home very often. She tends to eat easy, familiar foods, since I can't guarantee that I'll be able to cook the groceries I buy, or if I cook them, that I'll clean up after. Winter me reads more books, makes less artwork, and sews a whole lot. She also gets distracted halfway through a lot of projects and is terrible about house maintenance. She cries a lot. She sleeps even more. I can't say I'm really looking forward to being that person again, but short of developing the kind of income that lets me move to the southern hemisphere for six months, that's how it's gotta be.

That said, things aren't not too bad this year. Objective reports say I'm in way better shape thus far, and I'm not the winter person entirely yet. It's just as grey and horrible out as yesterday, and I'm just as sick, but work was far easier. I've managed to do my laundry, clean up the kitchen a bit, and am even looking at writing a bit of fiction. If only I don't get laid out by a fever again tonight. There's such a thing as too much Glitch.

Have made some distressing observations about my main writing gig that suggest I oughta start shopping around for other things, and draw more, stupid. No immediate explosions, but a lot of Stupid Management Decisions that seem designed to make people disgruntled enough to leave.

After a long, confused weekend, I found [profile] moments_away's kameez sleeve, so that's one project that can go out the door shortly. I keep saying I need to take pictures of all my sewing, but of course I never do. Got a bunch of Elizabeth Bear books out of the library and will read them any minute now, I swear. Probably in a huge, absurd binge, the way I seem to read things now. I remember reading just a chapter or two at night before bed, but dimly, as in a dream. ^_^

Anyhow, Winter Hobbit out. There's ice cream to eat and fiction submissions to finish.

Uff.

Oct. 14th, 2011 11:00 am
gracedpalmer: (stupid)
This has been a Week. On Saturday, some AT&T guys installing my upstairs neighbor's internet decided to unplug mine, despite the fact that it wasn't anywhere near hers (or so said the fellow who fixed mine yesterday). So, I spent five days in 1996, and was glad I'm enough of a cranky old lady that I'm not storing everything in the cloud. Movies on disk and real books improve things mightily. Time till I heard anything from AT&T? Four days. Then we had to convince my cranky apartment manager to come over and let the repairman into the basement, which he wouldn't do till the next morning.

Work was at [profile] samadi's place on Ethyl, my 9" EeePC. Ethyl is not really made for long-term typing, so I'm behind quota pretty much every day this week. At this point, I am just going to give up, pull another half day today, and try to work on fiction/drawing. Should be able to make up most of the quota that way, editors willing and all.

For the other thing is happening, which is that it's definitely fall and it's definitely getting dark at 6:30 and aaargh. I have become Sleep-Bot, she who does nothing but snooze. Didn't make it up till 10:30 this morning and I could happily go right back, were there not Rules against that sort of thing. Fall is not a thing of dread this year, which I suppose is nice, but it is a thing of extreme weariness, and being sleepy all the time is not fun for me, fun for other people, or making me very productive. Also, it's constant cold season, plus exciting feverishness.

Things I have managed to do: Pull 50 to 75% of quota every day this week, despite lack of lifestream internet. Watch a lot of William Hartnell-era Who. Nearly finish a kameez for [profile] moments_away. Go on several walks in the outside-sunshine-place. Take many naps and try not to be very sick. Do laundry, do a bunch of portrait heads for drawing practice. Drink more coffee than is my usual wont.

Theoretically I'm going to Kenosha on Saturday for a Donato lecture. I was going to be there for a two-day workshop, but not enough people signed up and it was canceled, which makes me sad. Going seems hard and not worth it, but I should do this anyway. October is too early to turn into a lump entirely.

And now, getting up, shower, breakfast, more writing, do stuff. Aaaaany minute now.
gracedpalmer: (trogloblorp)
It seems my hindbrain has decided it's autumn. I suspect this is because the available light has reached a level about equivalent to late March. I am in much better spirits than during that time of year, but it is having some side effects.

1. I want to sleep a lot. Naps have gone back to being an hour plus. This would be fine, except that I am also having nightmares during, and I need to start getting up earlier and earlier as the sunset comes earlier. I am not looking forward to the doom that is Daylight Saving Time.

2. Moods are a bit random. I've been low in the mornings and highly distractable, but not completely depressed. For instance, today I have reorganized my closet, done some quickie repairs on my bed (won't last, sadly - come spring I need to either build or buy a new one), rotated my mattress (which weighs more than some people) and put a coat of shellac on the worn spot in the floor. I'll need to continue doing stuff for most of tonight, because we're currently in the exciting torn-apart stage of the apartment.

3. While I think it's fall, the weather does not. This has resulting my being convinced I need socks and boots when it's 85 degrees.

In good news, shucking more stuff - eventually I may have few enough belongings to finally fit in this shoebox. Less good news - my kitchen still sucks. ^_^;

Tonight:
Clean under bed
Finally put last of window screens in
Clear the floor enough to move round in
Take AC, box fan, baby food jars to curb for scavengers?
Read sample text for next commission once too tired to clean.

Tomorrow:
Help [profile] moments_away get new glasses, since hers broke in half
Acquire groceries
Drive to Rockford to pick up [profile] samadi and [profile] jmpierce, meet [profile] whymc for dinner after Adin & Christina's wedding weekend
Attempt to prevent fiery death in Labor Day traffic

Being self-employed and working at home means that most major holidays have become times when no one's online and you can't park outside your own building.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Started out today by sleeping many, many hours, then doing a half day. The rest of the day was -supposed- to be full of art, but the body wasn't having any of it. To assuage the guilt gods, I have instead cashed my c[profile] whymcheck, gotten laundry money, preshrunk some linen, paid my power bill, paid my advance taxes through September, transferred rent money, activated my Panera card and drawn up a set of instructions for making a drawstring bag. It is supposed to storm soon, so perhaps that will activate the drawing fingers.

Health nonsense, 5 weeks post IUD removal )

In other news, there's the Bristol Steampunk thing this weekend, but I don't know that I want to go. I like chances to dress up and I'd love to see people, but little attracts me to a ren faire, and the people I want to take feel more or less the same way. [profile] whymc: would you like to meet a gaggle of us either in kenosha or waukegan (we have to talk to [profile] ladydrake first) sometime that Saturday? Cause I think we're probably going to go to the Bizarre Bazaar up here, and then either visit down there or go to a burlesque show.

Worked on my green skirt this weekend and watched Pom Poko this weekend, and would just like to say: what the hell, Japan? The happy? ending for one group of characters actually goes something like : "and then they sailed into the sunset on a golden ship made of testicles." Also, one of the most emotionally uneven anime I've ever seen. Also watched some first season B5, as part of [profile] moments_away's indoctrination and Meet the Robinsons. Re-blued my hair, and most things in the general vicinity.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
So! I've had myself a longish weekend. Went down to Waukegan to visit [profile] ladydrake and go to a costumed showing of Labyrinth on Friday. I have photos, but am lazy at the moment and not posting them. Also having some appearance issues, as sometimes happens with pictures. I will get over them eventually.

As my little purple corset has been on its way out for a while, I am making a new, more properly constructed one from its corpse. Coutil strength layer and steel boning this time, instead of misc sport solid and cable ties. On the plus side, that underbust has lasted me roughly 3 years. Making this one a little taller to see if it'll fight with my bra a little less.

For my own reference:
Have been depressed for the past several days, probably for most of the last week, judging by my groceries situation and the number of dirty dishes in the sink. Momentum very low, though not in a lot of emotional pain. Condition of apartment makes me want to set it on fire and start over. Eventually I'll get enough momentum to clean it properly.

2 weeks to the equinox. Also just about 2 weeks till the time change, which I hate. It doesn't matter which way it goes - time change always makes me really weird. At least I'm getting more evening sun this time.

Time to get moving.
gracedpalmer: ((default))
Yup, another rough day, but stuff gets done. Redyed the silk - RIT takes better than you might think, though the exhaust bath is weirdly navy blue (from the dark green). Went out and ran some errands/got some food, which is better than being stuck in my apartment. Tried Yet Another Vietnamese Restaurant. Fairly good, though I am not 100% certain my tofu dish was completely vegetarian. It didn't have the heavy greasiness I usually associate with meat-spiked food, but there was a murky, smoky flavor that did not seem entirely vegetable in origin. Not enough to be really awful or make me sick, however, so I declare it a win. Had world's most apologetic waitress.

Drew some things )

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